


sleeping pills

by xSadistxFujix



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Gen, TT, but i wrote it as pre-Chan/Jeongin, i kinda based it on 42, idk you can also just read it as friendship, it's mostly safe for anyone but just to be on the safe side, like i think this qualifies as pre-Chan/Jeongin?, mild Chan/Jeongin, those warnings do apply, thoughts of suicide but not in so many words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 03:52:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13732560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xSadistxFujix/pseuds/xSadistxFujix
Summary: Chris was never good at sleeping.Mild Chan/Jeongin, if you so wish it to be





	sleeping pills

**Author's Note:**

> I really have a soft spot for Chan/Jeongin, however, while writing it, I originally planned for there to be scenes after they debut in which Chan and Jeongin end up being more than friends, but because Jeongin is still so young irl, even if he'd be like 19+ in those scenes (which would be innocent. I'm not writing any naughty stuff for Stray Kids and you shouldn't either), I still felt uncomfortable since that age gap right now irl is still a thing. BUT, saying that, this was written with Chan/Jeongin in mind so you can read it as pre-Chan/Jeongin :')
> 
> Also, my requests are open. So if you have a request for ANY Stray Kids ship, please send them my way (Just no SK/Reader. I'm sorry but I really don't like those kinds of stories). I hope you guys enjoy it! perhaps when I'm more comfortable with it, I'll continue it in another fic <3

Chris wondered why there were some days he felt so much better than others and then just decided it must be the day of the week, the time of the day, the second of the minute. He could forget about it for a few hours as he worked on a song, music turned up loud, probably a little too loud but he wanted to block out everything else, just for a bit.

It was easier said than done, because even as he stared at his screen (eyes sore from over-usage and begging for a break), he found his mind wandering. 

Over the last few years, he’d written hundreds of songs, many of them he knew would never see the light of day, but others he thought were pretty good. Still, at this point, he didn’t know if any of them would be released out into the world, although he yearned for it, itched for the knowledge that people were listening to his art and, hopefully, enjoying it. 

He closed his eyes, hand practically clenching around the mouse and then he opened them, saving the song and closing his laptop before he decided to climb into bed, his roommate rolling over in his own, somehow still asleep despite Chris’ tapping away at his laptop.

There was no motivation in him to continue working. Not right now at least. 

\--

The year was 2015 and he sat on the couch, watching GOT7’s comeback stage. There was an aching in his chest as he looked at BamBam, remembering the day they had made a pinky promise to debut together. Chris had been so happy then. He’d definitely debut with his best friend.

But that hadn’t happened. BamBam had gotten to perform against YG and then he was put in GOT7 and… Chris hadn’t. He still needed to train more, he wasn’t ready, he wasn’t good enough. Nobody told him this, but it was the truth, why else would his best friend be debuting without him? BamBam felt bad about it, but Chris didn’t want that, so he smiled, pushing back the way his chest ached, and cheered him on.

He was happy for him, but it was hard. Chris wanted to be happy for himself too. He wanted to be on that stage too. Would his time ever come? Or would he be stuck in this place forever? A trainee with no future… he had given up so much for this shot.

He was beginning to wonder if it was worth it. 

\--

Chris really looked up to Jihyo noona.

She had trained really hard for so long and finally she was leading her team and they were already one of the biggest acts to be seen. He envied that will she had. He was trying to hold on, but as the months passed by, it was getting more and more difficult. But he had a few good people holding on with him, even if it wasn’t nearly as long as Chris had been. 

His family some days asked if he wanted to come home. It’d be okay if he did. There was nothing wrong with coming home.

He knew his mother missed him, his father missed him, his younger siblings missed him, and he missed them all too. He missed them more than he could even say. It was rare that he saw them. Extremely. He’d seen them only a handful of times since he’d come to Korea. He’d missed his younger siblings growing up… and that really hurt more than anything.

Chris wanted to go home. 

However, when asked, he always smiled and said no. He didn’t want to go home. He was so close. He told this to his parents and his parents seemed unsure but supported him if this was what he really wanted.

“Yes, it’s what I really want.” He always answered while, inside, his heart gave a painful throb. This wasn’t something he wanted anyone to know though. He didn’t want them to know how much he truly… truly wanted to give up.

It was hard knowing that he was spending all this time here, missing birthdays and holidays and important moments in his family’s life and… for what? Nothing had come of all this training so far and he was starting to wonder if it ever really would. 

The pain this had to cause his parents… he knew it. He could see it in their faces when he video messaged them. He could hear it in his mother’s voice when she fought back the urge to ask him to come home and give up this dream, but he couldn’t. As much as he sometimes wanted to, he couldn’t give up everything he had worked so hard for. 

\--

He got a prescription for sleeping pills.

It was difficult, to sleep. His brain wouldn’t shut down, his schedule was skewed. It was the life of a trainee. He had to be the absolute best. The next time JYP debuted a boy group, he needed to be in it because he knew there would be no other chance, not for him, not after investing such a long time into the chance of a debut here. If he messed up the next chance, it’d be over for him.

But he couldn’t sleep and he couldn’t work with his head constantly throbbing and he couldn’t dance when he was dizzy, but he couldn’t sleep. He needed to sleep. So he got sleeping pills. They helped. They allowed him to sleep and after that first night of full sleep, he felt wide and awake and ready to work harder, to train harder, than he ever had before. 

He could do this… he knew if he held out just a little bit longer, than he could do this. 

\--

More members were joining and Chris liked them a lot. They were all just trainees however, there was no team. Even him, Jisung, and Changbin were just a trio who liked to hang out and train together, but they weren’t in a group. Chris really wanted a group, and he wanted to be in a group with them and some of the other trainees. 

They had their maknae. A teenager from Busan named Jeongin and Chris took to him automatically. He was cute and hopeful, if not a little rough around the edges, but that’s what he was here for. JYP saw potential in him and wanted to invest. Chris kind of took him under his metaphorical wing and attached himself.

Maybe too attached. He was getting too attached to all of them.

As he ruffled his fingers in through their youngest’s so far hair, he really wished that JYP would form them into a group and he was beginning to wonder if they even had plans for another group any time soon. Were these trainees who kept joining going to end up like him? Here for so many years with no promise of anything, no end in sight to the sleepless nights of training and practice? 

Jeongin wasn’t sure of himself and Chris definitely wasn’t sure of himself either, but he did the best he could in helping to give the maknae some confidence. He was small, cute, he would be popular in whatever group he ended up debuting with. Chris couldn’t help but want to feel possessive and hope that they could debut together, along with the others. 

Was it that he wanted to debut with these trainees? Or was it just that he wanted to debut? He wasn’t entirely sure anymore… he was starting to lose focus again, unsure of what it was he really even wanted any more. Did he want to create his music and be patient for his time to come because he knew it would be worth it and pay off to wait? Or did he just want to debut quickly?

He stared up at the ceiling as Jeongin worked on the dance move that Chris showed him. 

Chris supposed… he had waited this long; he could wait awhile longer.

\--

One day he scared himself.

It wasn’t like he did anything. He was just… looking at the bottle. That’s it. He was tired, but he was too tired to sleep, but the pills hadn’t been working as effectively as they used to, and Chris really didn’t want to keep taking them. So he stared at them instead, wondering how many it would take in order to let him sleep.

But he wasn’t going to take them. It was just… a thought.

Still, once in awhile, he would pick up the bottle and turn it over in his hands, reading all the labels (including the warnings) before he’d uncap it and pour a handful into his hand. He’d stare at the two, four, six pills in his hand before dumping them back in, closing the cap, and pushing it back towards the middle of the table.

He did this at least three times. That Jeongin saw. 

Jeongin knew it probably would’ve been best to interrupt, but how was he supposed to? And each time he almost did, his hyung would push it aside. Chris wasn’t aware that he was being watched, if he was, he’d probably laugh and come up with some sort of excuse as to what he was doing.

Not that it would be a very good one, but he would have one ready. 

When Chris heard his name being called behind him, his heart lurched and he placed his hands flat on the table, taking in a deep breath to calm himself. He hadn’t expected it and he looked up at Jeongin who stood just behind him, braces glinting from the light as he kept his mouth partially open, looking as if he wanted to say something.

Chris didn’t give him much of a chance, and instead smiled and patted the ground next to him. Jeongin, without hesitation, took a seat next to his hyung. He was in his uniform, obviously having just gotten from school. 

“I didn’t hear you come in.” He slid an arm around the lovable maknae. Jeongin didn’t fight it, used to how handsy the elder got, especially with him. Instead he accepted it and leaned into him, continuously glancing over at the bottle on the table. 

“I guess you were busy…” he looked away from the bottle and up at Chris who only continued to smile, trying to ignore Jeongin’s slightly worried gaze. “Thinking? Doing something…?”

“Mm.” he nodded sharply, his smile softening just a little bit and he slid his fingers up into the younger’s dark hair, messing at it. Jeongin gave a slight whine at that, and it only prompted Chris to pull him closer. “Hyung was thinking.”

“What about?” His eyes seemed to keep falling to the bottle. Chris could tell this much and he bit on his lip, reaching forward to grab it. He shifted, shoving it down into the pocket of his sweats so that it was out of view and out of sight. 

“Hyung has just been a little tired.” He told him honestly. It definitely wasn’t a lie. “I haven’t been sleeping well. And these things…” he says about the pills. “Haven’t been working all that great. So I was just wondering if it was worth it to try taking one or not.”

He could almost see the sense of relief coming over Jeongin and he felt his heart ache for making him worry like that. Chris really wouldn’t have done something like that… even though the thought had crossed his mind--a few times. He’d never let Jeongin know something like that. 

“Oh,” Jeongin nodded and hummed and then he grinned, his eyes sparkling and smile looking a little shy as if he were thinking about something Chris didn’t know about. “Do you need me to read you a bedtime story, hyung? I’ll read you one--”

He laughed and then pulled Jeongin practically onto his lap to hug him tighter, fingers naturally wriggling against his side and he heard the younger boy squeal and try to writhe away from him. It took Chris a good minute to let him go and when he did, Jeongin was panting and looking unkempt but also smiling.

“Maybe I should take you up on the offer.” He stated as he thought about it. It was certainly worth a try, wasn’t it?

Without another word, Jeongin pushed himself up and held out his hand to his hyung who laughed a little and took it. Jeongin led Chris back to his room and patiently waited for him to climb in bed. Once Chris had climbed in and pulled his blanket up to his chin, he looked at Jeongin expectantly, though his smile had frozen on his face in worry. “Jeonginnie? What is it?”

“...Do you have any books, hyung?”

“Ah…” he glanced around his room and rubbed at his head. None of them were very big on reading and Chris honestly didn’t know if he had any books, and if he did, he had know idea where they would be.

“How am I supposed to read you a bedtime story?” Jeongin looked torn, as if he had somehow let Chris down and the older boy only smiled, patting the bed next to him instead.

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s just watch a movie or a game?”

Jeongin smiled and nodded before pointing out the door. “Let me go get comfortable first.”

The moment Jeongin had gone, Chris’ smile fell away and he pulled the bottle of sleeping pills out of his pocket, staring at them. With a glance to the door, he uncapped the bottle, pulled one out, and swallowed it.

He had just enough time to set it on the bedside table before Jeongin was back in his room, looking much more comfortable in sweats and a t-shirt, and was climbing into the bed next to him after retrieving his hyung’s laptop from the desk. 

After finding a movie and setting it up, the two of them pressed their heads against each other. Chris could feel his breathing start to slow and steady off within a half hour of starting the movie. Between moments of laughter, his eyes would fall shut, only to open again when Jeongin would shift next to him. 

He always glanced over and smiled. Jeongin was still such a kid, eyes always permanently sparkling, so much hope to live out his dream of being an artist.

Chris wondered when his own dream started to waver. Or was waver the right word? It was there. It was still there inside of him so strongly, but maybe that’s what hurt the most, because the dream was still so strong, but it was beginning to look more and more like a dream. If he didn’t debut soon, would he ever? Would this all be for nothing?

He hoped it wouldn’t be that way for Jeongin, nor for the others. They all deserved to be able to do what they loved. He deserved it too, but he was starting to wonder if it would happen, even with how hard he was working.

His eyes got heavy again, and feeling Jeongin’s shoulder raise his head up and down only seemed to make him sleepier. It felt like he was on a ship, the captain, the waves gently rocking him up and down, the sound of Jeongin’s breathing matching the tone of the ocean. 

It eventually lulled him into sleep. He didn’t know when the movie ended, but when he woke up hours later, it was dark and Jeongin and the others had all already headed to their own beds. Chris noticed this when he got up to use the bathroom.

After he got out, he sat himself down and got himself to work because, despite how much hope he was starting to lose, he had to still at least try, didn’t he?


End file.
